Top 10 Reasons Why I Don't (seem to) Blog About Sex

I've become one of those bloggers who don't blog anymore. Well, who rarely blog, anyway. Today I read N's piece on the top 10 reasons why sex bloggers blog sex and had a bit of an epiphany. Below are N's top ten points and my reaction to them. I found my response...curious. And revealing. And perhaps even helpful for me in the short run. I think N's list is pretty right on, but in reading it I realize that I am no longer a sex blogger and I no longer blog sex.

10) We have secrets we need to expose to sunlight while preserving some anonymity.
I feel as though I've told all my secrets. I don't really have any new ones to divulge.

9) We’re exhibitionists who get off on revealing in public what usually is private.
I did used to get off on revealing this stuff in public. Now I feel more guarded, uncertain, and unconvinced that sharing so much is/was a good idea. I'm still young enough that what I've shared here could have difficult consequences down the road, unless I somehow shifted my work and life rather substantially. But I'd still have family members and former colleagues who might not get or appreciate any of it.

8) We’re attention whores.
Truth? I'm sick of and occasionally disgusted by the attention whoring in the sex blogger world. It doesn't turn me on or get me off. It sometimes makes me a little bit sad. Realizing what a whore I'd become is largely why I pulled back from blogging and from interacting with the "community" as we tend to call it. I feel much more peaceful having done so.

7) Writing about (our) sex gets us hard, wet, off.
This is still true. But now I do it in other venues, and sometimes with a fictive veil over the events. And sometimes I get paid for it. But often I do it under another pseudonym because I don't want it connected with this blog. Why? I'm not 100% certain, but in this space it would feel like attention whoring. In the erotic fiction world it's just my work.

6) It lets us participate in a broader community centered on joyful, open love of sex.
Truth? See my reaction to 8. Also, much of the "community" is focused on BDSM or non-monagamous sex and my work and lifestyle don't seem to fit with it.

5) We don’t know (any more) how not to.
I've figure out how not to. It feels safer and more positive than posting daily true erotic tales on an open website.

4) We secretly (or not so secretly) think we’re better than all of you readers with your vanilla, mundane sex lives.
My sex life is pretty mundane and vanilla in this world and I don't think it's better than yours. It's just more frequent and a little dirtier than the average human's.

3) We’re genuinely proud of our sex lives, and believe the world benefits from knowing more about them.
I am proud of my sex life and the reader emails tell me that people benefit from knowing about it. They have caused me to deeply rethink what I do here and how and where I write about sex.

2) We’re insufferable, self-important, ego-centric, narcissistic libertines who exist without benefit of either social filter or superego.
God, I hope not!! But, yes, this is probably true to some extent.

1) We hope it’ll get us laid (by our wives, husbands, partners, girlfriends, boyfriends, friends, or strangers).
I don't need a sex blog to get laid by my husband, and I thank all deities (and none) for that.

e[lust] #45

Photo courtesy of CreativNooky

Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #46? Start with the newly updated rules, come back May 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!


~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~



Bringing Toxic Sex Toy Facts Out of the Attic

How Do I Get My Wife to Dominate Me?

I Need This



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Speaking the unspeakable

#safetytipsforladies



All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

I'm Going to Give You an Orgasm

Photo courtesy of Don't I Wish

"I'm going to give you an orgasm," he said, pulling his clothes off and preparing to slip into bed.

"My butt itches," I said, the epitome of sexy.

"You need to take your pajama bottoms off. It'll be easier to scratch your butt."

I pulled them off and hugged my knees to my chest and suddenly he smacked my pussy hard.

"Owwwwww," I whined. "Even with my great cushion of hair that still hurt."

"Yeah, there is a lot of hair there. You need to do something about that...well, you don't really need to do anything about that."

And seconds later he dived beneath the covers and pushed his face between my legs. His tongue pushed against the base of my clit and then flicked upward with force. "Unnnnngggghh," I said.

"Yeah, that's what I wanted," he said, and then did it again. And again. I spread my legs wider as I felt the mini twitches that always precede my orgasm, pushed my cunt against his lips and tongue. When he sensed I was approaching climax he sealed his lips over my clit and sucked, my orgasm pouring forth.

He crawled out from under the covers and pressed his full weight against me, his cock twitching in the crook of my thigh. "I just needed to be close to you."

A Thousand Small Unhappinesses

Photo courtesy of Don't I Wish

Recently an odd little item popped up in my inbox: an article titled "Draw Up a Sex Contract." My first thought was along the lines of "Snort, really???" Something about the idea of contractually obligated sex feels weird and wrong to me. Aha, now I see why some people chafe at the idea of marriage *rimshot*.

As much as the idea of contractually negotiated sex rankled me (and mind you, this is not about the sort of contracts that some BDSM practitioners employ; it's along the lines of "per this contract we will have penis-in-vagina sex two times a week for the next six weeks"), it dislodged a memory related to sex that's likely to be equally off-putting to some: the ultimatum.

Somewhere around three years ago D gave me an ultimatum which basically said that within the next X period (maybe it was 6 months, maybe a year) I needed to find a way to get our sex life back on track. Or else. Or else what? Nothing really followed the "or else." After years of trying to negotiate, trying to get me to initiate, trying and trying and trying, he finally gave up and implied he wasn't going to try anymore. I got the message. Or at least, I got a message: that something unpleasant would happen if I didn't get my act together and stop treating him like a roommate rather than a lover. I never asked him to elaborate on "or else." I didn't want to. I didn't need to.

My turnaround wasn't immediate. It took a good six months or so before I mentally adjusted to the idea that prolonging the sexlessness in our marriage wasn't going to cut it. Nothing really changed in the way he related to me, but it didn't have to. The seed had been planted and the "or else" frequently tickled at the back of my mind.

The ultimatum scared me. It came at a time of tremendous transition for us, and at times I was deeply worried that if I couldn't find my sexual self I might lose him. The honest fact is that I probably wouldn't have lost him, but the thousand small unhappinesses would continue to grow and morph into something much larger that we'd never wrest control of.

How did we get to the point where an ultimatum was required? That's something I will explore another time. But we did get there, and somehow the gentle delivery of that demand changed something for me. He'd already told me in myriad ways that he wanted and needed my attention. I had listened, but I never really heard his deep, quiet need until he put it in such terms that all other sound was sucked into a vacuum and only those words rang in my ears.

I'm not sure what the conventional wisdom is on sex contracts, but the conventional wisdom on ultimatums in relationships is that they tend not to work, or at least not in the way we probably want them to. Furthermore, they should only be used when the ultimatum-giver is quite ready to lose the relationship if the demand isn't met. When I asked D not too long ago what would have happened if I hadn't changed my attitude toward sex, toward him, he confessed that he didn't have a plan. All he wanted was to get our sex life back, to be physically connected to the woman he's loved for so long, who he finds beautiful, and for whom he's lusted all these years.

Truth? Had he said that last sentence to me three years ago, I would have listened but not heard him. And nothing would have changed. Perhaps it took a tremendous act to jar me from the rut I'd traveled in for so long.

Two Years of Sex

Sometime around now two years ago I broke our nearly ten-year dry spell. It happened somewhere around the end of March/beginning of April. I should have marked the calendar. I had no idea it would be so momentous. That might sound naive, but we had no clue all those months ago that the encounter on the sofa would be the start of something and not just another failed attempt to reignite the guttering flame of our sex life.

Two years in we have a different sex life than we did in the months immediately following that night. The rhythm of our lives is different now, and we don't have quite as much free time (or free time at the same times) as we used to. Part of getting this aspect of our marriage back on track has been acknowledging, adapting to, and honoring the fact that our interest and availability are going to be different at different times--and that our libido levels aren't always going to match up perfectly. But the most important thing is that we have a satisfying sex life!

There was a time early on when sex was absolutely the most important thing ever. It was like a newly discovered country and we were set to explore every inch of it. That level of intensity did eventually wane, and when we leveled off we were pretty in sync with how much/how often/how hard, etc.

But then I ran into some health problems and suddenly we had to reorient and adjust our actions and expectations. That was a difficult time for us, and the intensity, frequency, and adventurousness of our encounters decreased. For me, it was incredibly scary. We'd gone from zero to 60, and then it felt as though we were going from 60 to zero with a hard slam on the brakes and whiplash to follow. In reality I think we're still exceeding the school zone speed limit, but damn there are a lot of speed bumps on this route!

During that scared period quite a few readers emailed me encouragement, assuring me that we'd moved to a different place and that as a couple we had a whole new toolkit at our fingertips to manage the challenges. They were right, and I'm incredibly grateful that they were cheering me on from the sidelines. It feels amazing to have that kind of support!

What does the next year hold? I can't pinpoint any specifics, but at the very least it will be another 12 months of love, laughter, orgasms, intimacy, fucking, sucking, playing, exploring, and just plain enjoying the fun and pleasure of having a partner who is understanding as well as good, giving, and game.

That's sex. That's our  marriage. Honestly.

e[lust] #44

Photo courtesy of Plumptious Pea

Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #45? Start with the newly updated rules, come back April 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!


~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Everyday D/s

Honesty sometimes feels like manipulation

Blood, life, sex



~ Featured Posts (Molly’s Picks) ~

Grief and Sex

Bringing Others into a Dom/Sub Relationship



All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

When You Don't Want to Write About Sex

Sometimes you have sex that's really fucking amazing. The kind of sex you want to tell everyone about, even if you don't have a sex blog. And you try to write about it, and for some reason it's hard. It doesn't want to be told.

I've had a draft piece sitting around for several weeks now. It's about supremely hot and raunchy sex. It's even got a title already: Dirty Slut Face. The title is so evocative of what happened that night. It was debased and filthy and debaucherous, and it was totally and enthusiastically consensual. He called me names and he used me in ways I begged for. I used him, too. I made him work.

I've written a snapshot of the night, but for whatever reason I can't find the connective tissue to tell the whole story. The skeleton piece is kind of meaningless--just a collection of notes of the actions and positions. There's nothing in there that evokes the dirty hotness of the encounter, of the moment that he told me I had a dirty slut face. Or of the moment when he came and made the crass heat of the name really come true.

Maybe it's the time of year? Last year around this time, maybe a little bit later, I started to go through a phase of not wanting to write so much. The days are getting longer, there's more sun, and the solitary act of writing becomes more difficult. I think this is why those book-a-year series novelists write in the  fall and winter and then do promotion in the spring and summer. It's almost as if there's a writing year, a rhythm to the months that dictates my activities.

This is all a fancy way of saying I've got some writer's block to overcome.

If you've made it this far, why not peek over at the right-hand side and vote for me as a top sex blogger in 2013?

The Long and Short of It

Work that angle! Photo by B&W Erotic

A few weeks ago on Twitter I asked people about their orgasms--how long does it take them to come? Are they happy with the length of buildup to explosion? Is it different alone or with a partner? Are they (and/or their partner(s)) happy with the overall timeframe to orgasm?

I received a variety of answers, which didn't surprise me, given the variety of people answering the questions. There was one general consensus, which is that partnered sex is more enjoyable when it's long and slow. We all appreciate the necessity of the good, hard fuck, but there's something about a slow, drawn-out, delicious coupling that hits the spot.

Is There a Better Word than Busy?

I've been busy with lots of things lately, and I sort of hate the word busy. To me, busy sounds like "doing things other than the things I want to do." And while sometimes that's true, as in "I've been so busy with work I don't have time to do X," sometimes you're busy with things you really want to be doing, but they are so time-intensive they prevent you from being able to do the other things you also truly enjoy. What's a better word? Occupied? Distracted? Engaged? I want a word with a positive connotation, not a negative one.

Porn Star Pussies

L'Origine du monde by Gustave Courbet

A few days ago I got into a conversation on Twitter about the issue of women feeling ashamed because their pussies don't emulate the porn star ideal. I wondered out loud whether this is just another version of "I hate my curly/straight/whatever hair" or my less than thin thighs, or any other host of things women are "supposed" to hate because we've been trained to identify our problem areas from a very young age.

Dirty Hot

When our day of good coffee, good conversation, a big lunch and a lazy walk turned from just cold to bitter, windy, and snowing, we packed it in and headed back home. I clicked on the kettle and made a pot of tea to warm us up while we laughed and recapped our day, watching the snow fall In the courtyard.

Tea gave way to reading, which gave way to napping, as it so often does on gray, wintry afternoons. Soon he was snoring lightly next to me, bundled under the duvet in the slightly chilly room. I found myself reading a dirty, hot vignette about hard, rough sex, with a little biting thrown in for good measure. I'd been thinking about getting naked under the covers next to him, and once I'd gotten a third of the way through the paragraph my decision was made.

Quiet

It's been a quiet couple of weeks here. Life and its idiosyncracies have interfered with writing, and in some cases other writing has interfered with the writing here. All of that is to say that there's been plenty of hot, wet, sexy and soon you'll read about it.