My Body

I think I got lucky in the parts department. I don't have a "perfect body" according to Western beauty ideals, but I'm pretty happy with most of my parts and with how they go together. I haven't always been, and I am occasionally prone to crippling insecurities. Maybe crippling is too harsh. Still, I'm prone enough. I spent many years feeling pretty bad about myself, reinforced by participation in body-conscious extracurriculars that encouraged eating disorders and total body dysmorphia. I've mostly grown beyond that.

My legs are long, I guess. Like most girls, I've always wanted them to be longer. Except for those girls who want theirs to be shorter, I guess. Usually, though, they are just right. Skirts hit me in all the right places. I almost never have to have pants hemmed.

My waist is small and my hips are not. Like most girls, I've always wanted my hips to be smaller. Except for those girls who wish they had hourglass figure, I guess. Usually, though, my waist and hips make me feel womanly in all the best ways.

My breasts are sort of large. They're smaller now that I've lost weight, but I think they're still fairly generous. Mostly I wish they were perkier so I could go braless. Like most girls, I've wished my tits were something other than they are at some point, some time. Mostly I wish they weren't already a B cup when I was in fifth grade and our main goal in life was to hide the fact that we were already wearing bras. I'll never forget the day a classmate (whose mom taught at our school) showed up in a relatively sheer shirt though which we could see the outline of her bra. No boy was going to pop her strap and risk the ire of her mom in class. That moment gave us all confidence. Somehow, now, I've come to realize that they are just the right amount of perky and just the right amount of soft and yielding.

My eyes are exaxctly the right color, shape, and size. My eyelashes are long enough, thick enough. I've never wanted anything different from them in terms of how they look. The fact that they were so nearsighted when I was young made elementary and middle school awkward. Because boys never make passes at girls who wear glasses. My glasses made me awkward and made me feel like I wanted (or needed) to hide.

My hair has always driven me crazy. It's thick and sort of curly, sort of not. Humidity makes it enormous. I spent years wearing my hair long even though it mostly ended up in a ponytail, braid, or bun. But when it was perfectly curly and just right, it was beautiful. Now it's different, and I've learned after a couple of decades how to work it. Now my hair perfectly suits me, I think.

I have nice cheekbones. I'm no David Bowie or Katharine Hepburn, but they are good. I like the balance they give to my face. There's something to me about the combination of good cheekbones and good eyes that make a face seem open and welcoming.

The doctor said I'm long in the torso and long in the thigh. I sort of felt like a specimen at the county fair as he explained how my body dimensions have the capacity to seriously fuck me up in the future if I'm not careful and if I don't learn how to compensate for my proportions.

I'm not strong. I don't have endurance. Not anymore, anyway. Not after the tough physical challenges I've endured this last year.

But I will be. I will find it again.