Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Would I, Could I?

Here's a disclaimer--this is about the sexless marriage, not the sexy one. Still, I hope you read it, because it gives some perspective on where we were for so long.

I get a lot of questions about the sexless void in our marriage. A. Lot. Of. Questions. Every once in a while I try to shed a little light on some aspect of that period of time, and I try to deal with it with humor and grace. It's all part of the "honestly" part of the blog's subtitle. I don't think this one will be humorous or graceful, but it will be honest. It definitely won't top the pedicure and bikini wax post for guffaws.

Recently someone asked me the following: Did you ever consider doing sexual things for D during your non-sex times, like bj's or handjobs, or even holding him while he masturbated?

Yes, I considered it. For about a minute. A few times. And no, I really didn't do it. But not because I was a bad wife. In all the other areas that count I was (and am) a very good partner. D probably outranks me, but we make a good team. Together we've made it through all the major sorts of life changes you can imagine, with the exception of having a child. Sure, we disagreed and even yelled from time to time, but we worked through it all together.

So why couldn't we work together on this? This is from another post from several months ago, but it explains things to some degree:

Every so often we would "try again" to bring sexual intimacy back into our lives. It was almost always very awkward, and filled with "you don't have to do anything you don't want to" sorts of statements. Well, I didn't want to have sex. I didn't want to be naked in bed. I didn't want to do any of it. But I would try.

One night we got beyond the laying in bed naked together bit and actually proceeded to the sex bit. Chronic pain was a big limiter for me, and I was having it that night. And he takes a long time to come. And he wouldn't come and I was in misery and overall it just sucked. I shut it down.

We tried to talk about it, but I was so upset all I could do was sob. I was upset that I'd done more than I wanted to, that I was in pain, and it felt like no matter what I did I wasn't going to be able to satisfy him. Despite saying over and over that I didn't have to worry about not getting him off, I felt like a complete failure. I hate failing, so why would I continue to put myself in situations where I couldn't succeed?

I'm not certain, but I think that was the last time we attempted fucking until a good 5-6 years later. 

That's why I couldn't do the things the questioner asks about.

Because the few times we tried to have sex it was like that.

Because I had virtually no interest in sex. Which is different from having no interest in your partner. I had no interest in anyone.

Because I didn't want to call any sexual attention to myself. I actively worked to hide my body from D.

Because between the chronic pain and the libido-suppressing meds I had enough excuses to last a lifetime.

Because if I did any of the things the questioner mentioned I'd be opening myself up to having conversations I just didn't want to have.

I got into what a recent commenter called "the cycle of dread," and as long as I was fogged with pain and meds I had no desire to find a way out of it.

That's a very long way of saying no, I didn't do any of those things. Then. I didn't do them then. Now is different. Now is what matters. Now is 180 degrees from then.

15 comments:

  1. Your willingness to try again, despite your discomfort, is evidence of the good, giving, and game partner you clearly are. You may not have been able to make it happen, but you tried. Yes, the incident you describe took an obvious emotional and physical toll on you. Yes, you went years before you attempted to fuck again. But you've overcome this difficult time, you and D have rebuilt your sex life in a spectacular fashion, and judging by your blog, it's better than it ever was, and quite possibly better than you could have possibly imagined back then.

    Thank you for writing this. Thank you for sharing something not only so deep, intimate, and personal, but something so important. All we could think about as we read it was that someone in an equally sexless marriage might read it, and not give up hope.

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    1. Thank you, Jack. I wasn't always GGG. Somehow I got there in the last year or so. It's who deserves the real credit. He always has been GGG, and managed to stay that way even in the face of the sexless void.

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  2. Nice post, very open and honest. Sara and I went through a similar phase, not to quite the same extent as yours, but long droughts that I had trouble understanding. We were both young, in good shape and relatively attractive....but no sex. Turns out she didn't hate sex, nor was it uncomfortable or anything like that, she just didn't really want it, could take it or leave it sort of thing. We too pushed through, and now are on the other side, enjoying what patience and commitment to each other can result in.

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    1. Blake, I'm so glad you commented, and also glad to have found your blog. It's somewhat comforting to find others who've been through the same thing, for whatever reason. Even more so that we're managing to come out the other side, apparently with stronger and better (and sexier!) relationships.

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  3. Thanks for sharing your story, you have come full circle! I'm glad you and D are where you are now and can only hope it gets better and hotter from here.

    I agree with Jack and Jill! You're giving someone in a sexless relationship not give up hope.

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    1. Thanks for your very kind words! I hope it gets better and hotter, too, although we might combust!

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  4. Thank you for writing this. I hope it helps as many people as possible. Proud of your honesty!

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    1. Thanks Anisa. I hope to see you back amongst the blogging one day soon, too.

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  5. I love your honestly and willingness to share the not-so-sexy, real parts of long term relationships. I admire your sexual turn around and am so happy that you guys are in a much better place.

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    1. Thanks Mia. You always say the nicest things!

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  6. Wow...Thank you so much for such an incredibly honest and obviously difficult post. I can imagine that reading something like thic can help so many people who go through the same thing, both in understanding themselves and the their partner.

    I am very happy for you that that was then and this is now. In the end, that is all that matters.

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    1. Thanks Sss. I have started catching up on your blog, BTW, and it's wonderful.

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  7. I used to have a problem with my wife quitting on me because she was hurting too much. Recently, she discovered the gluten-free lifestyle and she doesn't hurt anymore. We had a huge sex session few days ago and she was in heaven. I do worry that we will not be able to have sex with the same intensity in the future. Thank you for your honest post.

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    1. NV, it's so great when you find out that something *can* help the problem you're having. Glad to hear she's doing better, and I hope that gf eating continues to make the difference--for both of you!

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  8. I only recently found your blog and love your honesty. Our sex life was limited to having sex once every 3-4 months over a few years. That lack of sex really frustrated my husband and am grateful he didn't look elsewhere for sex. Only recently in the last year when I went off birth control pills was when the libido came back with a boom. As a result I am trying to find ways to bring sex back into our lives and discovered your blog, among others that I am now obsessed with... and am sharing with my husband. Cause if we're going to look at porn, looking at and reading about real couple's stories is as hot as it gets! Thank you and all the best to you and D!

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